Unnamed and Unfound

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Everything I owned was taken away,

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I gasped for air as another wave came crashing down on us. I could feel Victor’s hand slip a bit and I held his tiny fingers tighter. I looked around for something to hold unto, the waves were receding and we just had to hold on a bit longer. Roy’s cry was piercing through my ears and Victor’s constant shout of "Mother" kept sending a cold chill down my spine. I held Roy’s two year old body against my bosom, and pulled Victor closer. Another wave and we would be swept away, unless we found something to hold unto. My eyes studied wildly, I could see people struggling, trees falling and animals swimming. Just as I closed my eyes in despair, I saw a big log.


That was it.


I knew if I could reach that log, we could stay afloat. I started wading towards the log; it was about a meter away. I pulled the weight of my kids along with me as my tired body groaned. I looked at the sea again, and to my horror saw the tide rise and come towards us again. There was not much time; I had to make it to the log. My body wouldn’t move, it had gone numb with shock. I looked at the log; it was just a little far away. The tide was getting closer, and as I tried to move again, I found the solution to my problem, and it hit me harder than a high tide.


I had to let go.



I had to let go of one of them if I had to make it to the log, there was no other way. My mind engaged in the quickest of duals with its emotions. I knew I had to make the choice; time was running out, better two than none I reasoned. I didn’t think if I could live with it. I couldn’t bear to think of that.



I looked at both of them, they had gone white with fear, and had their eyes closed. I closed my eyes as well and slowly let go of Victor’s hand and pushed myself towards the log. I felt my mind die when I heard him scream in horror.



We reached the log.


It was evening when I woke up, I found myself wrapped in a thick blanket. Roy was lying next to me, sleeping peacefully. I sat up straight and looked around. We were in our house, and nobody was around. As I looked for Victor I remembered, and felt my heart break open. I wept for him, I wept for myself. I didn’t think of reason now, all I thought of now was murder. I killed my child, I abandoned him.


As I silently wept, I felt a hand on my shoulder.


I looked up at the touch and saw Victor standing next to me alongside his father. His face was white, his eyes were blank. I couldn’t believe my eyes for a second, and I ran my hands through his hair to be sure. He was alive, he was saved.



“He managed to hold onto a rock, and we found him unconscious later.”


I pulled him towards me, hugged him tight and smothered him with kisses. He was not dead, he was saved. Gratitude rushed through my body and I was overwhelmed with joy. As I looked at him again, I felt his grip weaken. He looked at me blankly, his lips were trembling.


“Why did you leave me mom? Don’t you love me?”


He was not saved, and neither was I.

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Dear friend,

I do not know you. Would I ever know you? I do not know. But then what is knowing anyway? Is is knowing what your favorite color is or what your biggest fear is? Or is it something else? Is it knowing you as who you are, as seeing you without looking at you. Then, I might know you.

I sit by my window, looking at the sky wondering where you are. I haven't met you, I do not know your name, know your race. I know nothing, but I know you. I know that we are the same, we share the same emotions. I know you're out there somewhere feeling as I feel, laughing as I laugh and crying as I cry.

I always felt I was alone, that my misery was mine alone, that my problems were the biggest of them all and most unique. But then I was wrong, I'm sure you share the same problems as me, the same pain and the same anxiety. After all,  pain is born of one thing alone, denial.
So here I am, trying to reach out to you, trying to tell you that I understand how you feel just like how you will understand as well. Let's try to see each other as we are and know more about our pain, let us find answers to troubling questions by knowing each other, by believing, by keeping faith.

It's a hard life, but then I'm not alone. I have you.

Love,

Your friend

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The plane had crashed into the building a few minutes ago, the World Trade Center was falling victim to fire and shock.

There was smoke all around, people were screaming and I could hear distant noises of tumbling objects or maybe even people. I was blinded by the thick smoke, I couldn't see anything but a very vague picture of the room. I struggled to breathe, I knew I had to get out, but I didn't know how. I felt people brush past me, some held unto to me in panic. The voices were piercing into my head; I shook my head and looked at the distant windows and was shocked at the sight.

There were people hanging out of the window gasping for air.They were screaming, their bodies half in and half out. I shuddered as I thought of the height, we were on the ninety first floor. I rushed towards a window, I felt my legs stamp on legs and heads, and I almost gagged. Everybody was trying to reach the windows, and it had become a stampede.

And then it began.

People started falling as other people rushed towards the window. Those that tried to hold on with their weakening fingers lost grip and started falling; their screams ran through my blood and froze it. I fell on my knees and covered my head in horror. People stamped on me and pushed me away, again people kept screaming, some screams falling farther away from me.

The smoke was getting thicker, and I knew the fire was going to reach us soon, we were going to be reduced to ashes. The passage way was blocked, the stairs were blocked, these windows were the only source of air but not escape. All the windows almost had an identical scenario. As I scanned the room, I saw the familiar big cupboard, and suddenly remembered the window behind it. I shoved past people and made towards the cupboard, trying hard to catch some air. I could feel my head lighten and my legs weakening. I reached the cupboard and pushed it aside. There was the window, I opened it and was greeted with a cold breeze that almost made me cry with relief. Just then a big flame flew across the room, the fire was catching up.

A woman rushed towards the window.

"We are going to be burned!" She screamed, pulling at my collar.

"Relax" I tried mumbling.

"Relax? Relax?" She screamed back.

"We can get out." I told her.

"No we can't. NO NO NO"

She looked around like a caged animal, and then she looked down from the window. I felt her grip on me lighten as she slowly raised herself and sat on the window. I didn't understand what she was trying to do, I was too numb.

I could see fear written all over her face.She looked me in the eye, and I saw her let herself go.

I screamed in horror, I leaned forward, and looked down to see her tumbling body. She let go, I couldn't believe it. I cried out in desperation. My phone rang just then, I had forgotten about it all along.

It was my daughter.

"Pa, you alright?"

"Yes, yes I am. Give the phone to Mom"

"John, Where are you? What's happening?"

"I'm stuck Lucy, I'm stuck. I can't get out of here, the fire is going to get to me Lucy. Lucy.."

"John what are you saying!John get out of there, John please"

"I have to go Lucy, Lucy... Oh god.."

I threw the phone away, I couldn't bear to hear her voice.

I thought of the woman that had jumped, and looked down at the distant road.

Should I jump?

'Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple.'

The verse from Bible slowly played out in my head; I cannot commit suicide, I cannot kill myself, I will be damned.

I looked at the flames, and fear struck through me. Why do the only two choices that I have, lead to death?'

I would be damned to hell if I jump. I cannot be burned alive. It hit me then, I was going to die. Yes, I was going to die. This was the end. The flames grew stronger, I knew I had only minutes. I looked outside at the distant sky.

My head burst at the injustice of this, what had I done wrong?

I sobbed, uncontrollably. I wept for my daughter and wife, for my mother and friends. I let my hands feel around for the phone, I couldn't find it, I punched the wall in frustration. More people started coming towards the window, they were hanging out of it. But then they had to let go, from faraway the almost helpless look in their eyes ran through me like venom.

I wanted to get away from here, I cannot suffocate anymore, I had to get out. I had to jump. This was not suicide, I would not be damned, doesn't a man have the right to choose his way of death when he has no other means? What if I was saved? What if I was alive even after I fell ninety floors? Shouldn't I give myself a chance? I knew that was not a possibility, but I wanted to hope. I wanted to try, I wanted to escape from the fire. I would rather be burned in hell, than be burned here.

I climbed on top of the window and looked down, my legs shivered at the sight. I could see tiny specks of people and vehicles there. I closed my eyes, and prayed.

I hoped that no one would ever have to make the decision that I was about to make.

I tried hard not to think of Sara and Lucy, but their faces flashed across me, I felt a hand on mine. I looked right and saw a woman in her thirties staring right at me.

"This is the right choice, we choose our death, not those terrorists, we die with our heads held high, not by their flames."

Her words didn't reach me, and I felt her fingers pull me, I pulled back, and she let go. She fell, she was silent, not a sound came from her.

I knew I had to make the choice now, the fire had engulfed most of the room. I felt my legs shiver with anxiety, and then in a moment of total clarity, I let go.

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